Since we’ve moved into the Corporate HQ, there’s been a prominent sign on the letterbox explicitly stating “NO JUNK MAIL”. For the most part, this was ignored by most, and junk mail continued to be placed inside the letterbox. Eventually, I put up a new sign stating “NO UNSOLICITED MATERIAL NO NEWSPAPERS”. Some of the crap stopped, but much of it continued being delivered time and time again.

Earlier in the year, some dive called Crust Gourmet Pizza Bar dumped a copy of their menu in the letterbox. Ignoring, of course, the “NO UNSOLICITED MATERIAL” sign on the front. So I wrote them a letter, politely telling them to get fucked, and they owe me $20 to make up for the inconvenience.

Surprisingly, 3 days later, they sent a cheque. For $20. Along with a note to apologise.

Bouyed by the success of this initial attempt, I decided it probably would be a fantastic idea to send off the same letter to other dumb fucks who have their material placed in my letterbox.

One such piece of crap came from Helen Shardey, the State Member for South Caulfield, in the form of some newsletter (propaganda). I should point out she’s aligned with the Liberal Party, so I tried to use smaller words in the letter to make it easy for her.

Monday, 30 June 2008

Helen Shardey
Suite 1, 193 Balaclava Road
Caulfield North, Vic, 3161

Helen,

Unsolicited Material

Recently a newsletter promoting your agenda was placed in my residential letterbox. The letterbox in question clearly states that unsolicited material may not be deposited within.

It is an offence under section 45M of the Environment Protection Act (1970) to place such material in a receptacle clearly marked with signage indicating otherwise, which can attract a penalty of up to $1100.

A complaint regarding your behaviour has been registered with the Distribution Standards Board.

Furthermore, I require an immediate payment of $20 to cover reasonable administrative and disposal fees of your material. If payment is not received by way of cheque or money order to the above address within 7 days, I will take further action against you and seek to recover all costs associated.

I look forward to your immediate response.

Regards

Andy Blume

A week later, the scrag wrote back:

Mr Andy Blume
PO Box 737
Elsternwick
3185

July 7, 2008

Dear Mr Blume,

I write in reference to your letter regarding the delivery of mail to your home.

The mail in question was delivered by Australia Post. It is my understanding that Australia Post normally avoids depositing un-addressed mail items in those letterboxes requesting no unsolicited mail.

I have noted your request that this be observed and have requested that Australia Post be informed of your complaint.

I am sorry for any inconvenience.

Yours sincerely,

Helen Shardey MP
Member for Caulfield
Shadow Minister for Health

Well, in true Liberal Party style, she has managed to deflect all blame onto someone else - in this case, Australia Post - and completely wash her hands of any responsibility. Furthermore, no mention of the $20 administration fee I demanded.

But, then again, Liberal Party skank. At least I got a reply.

When I woke up this morning to find that I had the start of a cold (courtesy of the young lady), I was further saddened to discover that Estelle Getty had died.

I like The Golden Girls. It is a fucking funny show.

Too many cool people are dying lately.

So, it’s Tuesday. Here’s your joke:

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

She then said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”

Generally I refuse to lower myself to dining in bogan establishments such as McDonalds, KFC, La Porchetta and so forth. Subway is passable for a quick lunch. Nandos is alright for the odd treat, although the quality is rapidly going downhill.

When I eat out, I want to dine somewhere nice. When I say nice, this means a combination of decent food, good service and reasonable prices with a pleasant atmosphere (ie, no screaming cuntspawn running about shitting things up).

Flipping through an Entertainment Book recently received as a gift, I came to realise just how fucking retarded some restaurant menus are. I’m not so much talking about what’s actually available, but how they describe the prices of their food.

A Good Example

If I come in to your restaurant, all I want to know is what you’ve got on offer, what it is (especially at these “ethnic” places) and how much it’s going to cost me.

Bangers And Mash
Spicy lamb sausages with creamy potato mash coated in a rich red wine jus
$15

Although we all know the sausages will be overcooked and the mash will just be Deb or some other equally nasty mashed potato mix, everything will be good in the universe as it’s a sensibly presented menu with the price of the dish properly described. Fucking excellent work, go ahead 3 spaces, A++++ would dine again.

Example 2.0

Some restaurants are slipping into the poor habit of leaving off zeros, or going so far as to adding one where it isn’t necessary. Take this selection from the menu of Chez Olivier of Prahran:

Coq au Vin
Chicken marinated and cooked in a red wine sauce - served with mashed potatoes
$25.5

and

Tarte Fine aux Pommes
Deliciously light thin-based apple tart
$12.0

Note to restaurateurs who do this: It makes you look fucking retarded. You don’t present the bill at the end of the night and say “That will be twenty five point five dollars please” or “Twelve point zero dollars, thanks”. Fuck you. It’s fucking $17.50 or fucking $30 or whatever fucking price it is, you cunts. Fuck you again.

Example Number $3

A worse trend is the fuckwits who just shove a number at the end of their menu items. Take this example from Madame Sousou in Brunswick:

Onion Soup
Classic French onion soup with melted gruyere crouton
13

13? 13 what? Dollars? Pesos? Rubles? Bananas? Shoes? Handjobs?

Is it that fucking hard to stick a “$” in front of it? If I ask you how much a glass of plonk is, you don’t fucking say “Eight” do you? No. You fucking say “8 Dollars”. So fucking stop being a cockhead wanker and print a fucking dollar sign there. What’s even worse are the tossers who use this combined with the examples above, say “9.0″ or “18.5″. Fuck you, fuck your family and fuck everyone.

example number four

By far, without any fucking doubt, the worst I have seen is this: wankers who can’t use numerals. The ones who have to look trendy, cool and different by describing their prices in words, such as Blue Tongue in Elwood:

Linguine
with prawns, squid, mussels, fish, chilli, basil, garlic and tomato
twenty seven dollars fifty

For starters, I wouldn’t pay $27.50 for that. Nor would I pay $27.5, 27.5, 27.50 or twenty seven dollars fifty for that. It sounds like it tastes like arse, and probably wouldn’t look much better. Forgetting that though, these guys are so fucking awesome they don’t even need to capitalise the price! Whichever dickhead thought that printing words to price your food is a good idea needs a swift kick in the cock or cunt. Go fuck yourself. I look forward to never eating your slop. Go stick your head in microwave. Better yet: Go stick your rude bits in there instead, so we can hope you can’t fucking reproduce.

Perhaps I am better suited to McD’s and KFC and the like.

Wordpress has been updated to v2.6, with a couple of problems:

• Custom category sorting output not working. FIXED!
• One non-essential plugin not working. FIXED!

Apart from that, all good. Lick my balls.

Gents (and ladies), I proudly give you Carmen:

(click to see!)

After going through my entire collection of mags, I can safely say that this is the only picture that actually made me feel physically ill. How the goddam metric fuck can anyone actually find THAT physically or sexually attractive?

Here’s what Carmen had to say:

“I’m a performance artist and my show involves a lot of fairly explicit, weird stuff,” Carmen told us. Like what? “Inserting things in my vagina and arse, cutting my clothes off and maybe even performing a body piercing or scarification on someone from the audience.” Cripes! We notice you’ve got a lot of piercings. Do they affect your sex life? “They’re very stimulating. But when I have rough sex they can be pulled a bit, which leaves me pretty sore the next day.” We know how it feels!

Then The Picture went on to mention she was featured in the current 100% Home Girls special:

If you want to find out more about 37-year-old Carmen, grab a copy of 100% Home Girls #23. On sale now!

Umm, no thanks.

I think I may have to start spacing these out a little more, just to give our penises a little time to recover.

Tuesday.

During a papal audience, a businessman representing KFC approached the Pope and made an offer.

“The good news is we have $50 million to distribute amongst Catholic charities. The bad news is we lost the Wonder White bread account”.

ABC News have an interesting story about people being blinded by lasers at some festival in Russia somewhere. I think someone forgot to tell the ABC that people being blinded by lasers isn’t really classified as entertainment:

… although, seeing Amy Winehouse die a slow and painful death certainly is.

I’m running a bit behind on my podcasts right now, and only listened to the GrodsCorp podcast yesterday.

You may remember my brief comment on Nicole Kidman last week:

… I must voice my displeasure with Nicole Kidman. It seems that she has named her newly farted-out cuntspawn “Sunday Rose Kidman Urban”. What sort of fucking name is Sunday? Bitch, you need your cunt sewn up after that one

I was quite pleased to discover that the Grods Team have awarded that quote the “Funniest Thing On The Intertubes” for the week. Fuck I’m awesome.

You can listen here: GrodsThink 23 (Funniest Thing on The Intertubes) (MP3, 1.4Mb, 1:28).

I pass by this sign several times each day:

… and everytime I do I think “Anus & Cooter”. Just sayin’.

This was the best I could come up with today. Sorry.