In the absence of having any real content to run with at the moment, I’m going to post – in full – an article from the Northern Territory News that came my way via Twitter. This deserves the Spatula City Newspaper Article Of The Year Award:

No oral sex, says ute crash waitress

A WOMAN accused of performing a sexual act on a man when he crashed in Darwin’s rural area is outraged at the allegation and says it is “absolutely wrong”.

Allyson White said the standout burn mark left by her seatbelt across her chest was proof the claims of “amorous activities” with the driver were not true.

“I was not sucking his d*** – and it’s pretty obvious that wasn’t the case … you only have to look at the mark on my chest,” she said.

“Clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it’s impossible that I’d be leaning over sucking his d*** unless he is hung like a donkey or I’ve got a f****** rubber neck.

“If it was true I’d just cop it sweet and think ‘how embarassing, I got caught sucking someone’s d***’ – but it is not true and that’s what is p****** me off.

“It didn’t happen like that at all – he was just going too fast.”

Police told in Thursday’s Northern Territory News how they believe a driver crashed his car while involved in “amorous activities” with his female passenger.

They said the 33-year-old man was distracted by the woman and veered off the road, smashing his single cab Hilux ute into a concrete drain on Pioneer Rd in Humpty Doo.

But Ms White said it was a lie and she wanted to set the record straight.

Even the unnamed driver’s statement to police had no hints of any fellatio taking place.

“I don’t understand where that story has come from,” she said.

“It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he’d already paid me.

“But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job.”

Ms White, 34, said she had been at the Howard Springs Tavern celebrating a friend’s birthday when they decided to go back to a friend’s place in Humpty Doo.

She said they stopped into the Humpty Doo Tavern where she usually works to invite other friends, including the unnamed driver, along to the bash.

He did not know how to get to the house so she jumped in his car to give him directions.

“We are just friends and it’s pissing me off as people think I have done this behind my boyfriend’s back – it makes me feel like a dirty bitch when I’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Fair enough he shouldn’t have been driving but I didn’t realise he was drunk and would never have got in the car if I did.”

Ms White was taken by St John Ambulance to Royal Darwin Hospital with chest injuries following the crash.

The driver was charged with drink driving after allegedly blowing .147 per cent, as well as driving without due care and driving without a licence.

I like how they’ll censor the words “fuck”, “dick” and “piss” (and it’s derivatives) but will quite happily leave in “head job” and “bitch”. Plus they forgot to censor one “pissing” halfway through the article.

Oh you wacky Territorians!